The Journey – An Act of Will

I have my iPod running a compilation of writings from Alice A. Bailey called “Ponder on This” in my car. It is a phrase used in the books quite often. If you are not familiar, Ms. Bailey wrote 24 books between 1919 and 1949 with a Tibetan Master named Djwahl Kuhl. She only claims authosrship of four of the books and just as Madam Blavatsky said about the Secret Doctrine, she just recorded what she was told in the case of the other 20. I have been studying with the Arcane School she started for about nine years now, and the teachings contained in that enourmous body of work (I have read them all) has become my life. When I am experienceing something like the upheaval in my life I have been discussing with all of you, it is always a reflection or even an embodyment of what I am being taight.

In this last year or so the teaching has been to move from aspiration and Soul infusion, which is supposed to be in process and at least partially accomplished by this stage, to the expression of Spiritual Will. Yesterday as I was driving and listening to “Ponder on This,” there was a line that reminded the reader (listener) that the first act of the Will is always one of destruction. The sculptor destroys the stone and only when he has been working for some time is the beauty of his vision and creation apparrant to anyone but himself. Even his physical apparatus cannot detect the indwelling image in the stone. Only in his mind does it exist. Luckily, energy follows thought.

The act of conscious creation requires a vivid thought form, and the desire of the creator to see it manifest. The desire is what transforms into the Will to act and then the creation is manifested on the physical plane. The problem you might see is that I was very reluctant to have any of this happening… on a personality level. The me that is driving is not the guy who you all know as Rev. Doug. It is the Soul that is at the very center of the life of Rev. Doug. It is my Soul who is sculpting my life, and I only get glimpses of what is to come in moments of intuition.

The Soul assumes more and more control of the happenings in the life of someone who aspires and takes his evolution consciously into his own hands. I’m not being arrogant, although saying that might seem disingenuous. I have been working on myself very consciously in a disciplined manner for over a decade now. It too is an act of Will. What the teachings tell you is that this will bring about tests and change because the personality has opened the door to Soul intent through aspiration. What I can tell you is that it is doubtful that the personality just happened to be cruising along toward exactly what the Soul intends. A course correction is necessary, and the personality (Rev. Doug in this case) is swept up in the tide of change.

It is interesting to me that an act of Will on the part of the personality to aspire to something higher will destroy all that it has built with that same developing Will. Its like you knowingly pull the plug out and the water starts to drain out of the tub. In a panic you do everything you can to stop the water until you realize how free you are and how much there is outside of the tub that you couldn’t experience until you get out of the warm comfy water.

If you don’t want your life to change, don’t read my upcoming book. It has changed mine and its not even published yet.

The Journey – Getting Back to Work

I am writing this post for the second time, which is kind of frustrating. Creativity flows in certain ways at certain times and that flow means this post will not be the same as it was the first time I wrote it and subsequently lost it in cyberspace, despite multiple saves of the draft. If you don’t like this, I’ll have to hide behind the idea that it was better the first time I wrote it.

Anyway, I was finally offered, and did accept a job on Thursday and I will start Monday morning. This is a relief on certain levels and a disappointment on some others. It is in the line of work I was in prior to my last job, which I really loved and hoped to continue. I will be an engineer in a security systems integration company. It is the large company which interviewed me for the first time over 2-1/2 months ago. It happened in a very interesting way.

The universe has a way of letting you know when the time is right for a change. I have been looking for months and have not had a single offer despite a career in the field spanning more than 3 decades. I was still up for two positions here in the Denver area and didn’t know what was going to happen if I didn’t get either of these jobs. The big company wanted to see me one more time, and I figured it was just a formality and I would get an offer. The small company promised me an offer letter by Friday. So, I am ready for my meeting and waiting for them in the conference room and my rock climbing buddy Jason texts me. I gave him a quick answer and the gentleman who were to interview me walked in the room.

We had our conversation and there were a couple of minor concerns. I answered their questions sufficiently and  he pulled out a packet of information including an offer letter and some disclosure forms. I had the job. Somewhere right around then my phone had beeped from a message or email coming in. We were talking casually while he handed me paperwork we were going to go through and he asked me how many of Colorado’s 14ers (14,000′ peaks) I had climbed, it was something in “other interests” that was on my resume. I explained that I had done 23 of them but hadn’t done an ascent in a year or two and that I had been doing some rock climbing. I noted that the phone beeping a moment earlier was probably my rock climbing partner. It wasn’t.

We went over the paperwork and I walked out with a job. I was to head straight for my drug test around the corner and report for work Monday morning. I checked my phone and saw that the beep was from an email, not Jason texting me. It was the offer letter from the other company. Are you getting the significance of that? After more than 3 months of looking without a single offer, I get two simultaneously. I am literally in the meeting being offered a job when the other is offered at the same moment via email. I guess it’s time to get back to work… but not just on the JOB.

I have been given a break and some breathing room, but not a dream job. Working at the last dealer I mentioned in a post a week or so ago was crushing. I stopped teaching, the newsletter from was abandoned, and I kind of receded from the world. It took away all of my energy like a psychic vampire. Getting the dream job took away that soul crushing influence, but it did not get me back to work. I did finish the book during that time, and that is an accomplishment, but hose final edits should not have taken me that long and I literally finished it as the job ended.

I am in a position now where rather than forwarding my career as the primary concern, I have a simple job I can do while I’m sleeping and I can once again turn my efforts to my writing and teaching, as well as music. The book is done and I have a graphic artist working on a cover, but that is really the beginning of the work. Getting that book into the hands of people who it can help is the real job, and its time to get back to work. The message is clear. This has never been a simple quest for a new job to replace the old one. I am re-inventing myself on many levels and this was a necessary first step.

My Soul guides my life and it has brought me to this point. What is guiding you?

The Journey – Baby Steps and Emotional Peace

On the job front, I still haven’t had an offer. Somehow, even though every day that passes makes the situation just a little more urgent, I have come to a place of peace inside the madness. I am still in the running for the two positions I thought I would have offers for as I type this so, nothing has changed. I had a second meeting with one, and the other company which I have been in communication with for over two months wants to meet with me one more time. Like in any other situation the quantum leap is often preceded by countless baby steps toward the goal.

I saw a Facebook post the other day attributed to J. Krishnamurti. It said something like “my secret, I am not bothered by what happens.” I don’t know if he said it or not but I have read a couple of his books and seen him speak, and it sounds like him. It also sounds like a good way to live. Eckard Tolle came up in the interview I had yesterday; yes it is odd, but it happened. One of his points is similar in tone. He said “Don’t confuse your life with your life circumstances.” The circumstances of my life could be seen as troubling but my life is not. I am healthy, strong, pretty well centered, and given the circumstances, pretty happy most of the time.

There is another old saying which I’d like to refute. “If you are not upset you don’t understand whats really going on.” Its funny, but the opposite is true. If you are upset, you don;t really know what is going on. Allowing circumstances which life presents as beyond your control (note those words) to dictate your emotional state, will diminish your ability to deal with those circumstances. I cannot control the happenings in the world, because I am not the only creative intelligent sentient being in the equation. What I do have the ultimate power to control is my own response because I can control the response mechanism, my personality. This consists of my physical, emotional and mental apparatus. The me that most people believe is “self.” The fact that I can control it, and the reason I can control it is because it is not the “self” but merely a tool (or combination of tools) of the self. The me that makes me, me, is my true self expressing through another mechanism which religious teachings call the Soul.

Once you are truly on the path to self realization (again, note those words), the Soul is the driving force in your unfoldment. You have taken your conscious evolution in to your own hands, so to speak, and while you may not always understand the “why” of it all, what is going on around you has a purpose. That purpose is in fact, your conscious evolution. Sometimes it hurts, as all healing does. If your emotional nature was driving your life then that would be the only thing that mattered. In my case it is not. That does not mean I don’t feel, or that I recommend that you become an un-feeling mental robot. Quite the opposite. You can feel fear and move forward into a situation anyway. We call that courage. You can feel hurt and do what is necessary. That can bee seen as anything from grace under pressure to nobility, and requires courage as well. The fearless leader is a fool. The one who knows the perils but does what needs to be done with conscious intent is a real leader.

I am not afraid in this situation because what is “me” is not in danger. The circumstances of my life are changing and I am hurting because of the loss of things to which I still have a tendency to cling. That is in line with another of Krishnamurti’s pronouncements, “all pain is due to clinging.” The Buddha gave similar advice. Letting go is hard and it hurts but there will be peace when the process hits a certain point. I am learning every day through this painful process but I have not let the pain overtake me. I have more than 14 years sober and have not turned back to that crutch. I am still in very good control of the anger that used to drive my life. I have allowed that to surface in moments of weakness, but just those moments. This too shall pass and on the other side of this deluge I will emerge and be a better man for having endured it. “That which does not destroy me only makes me stronger.” Nietzsche

I am going to be one strong son of a bitch when this does pass….